Posts tagged roaches.

"La cucaracha, la cucaracha / ya no puede caminar"

The Story of Googol

An incredibly brilliant man turned millions of years of evolution into billions of dollars in revenue. The tiny little backs of the preeminent urban pest is responsible for the answer to every question that you could ever possibly pose. From “How to” to “When was” and “How old is” to “What happened to” and even “Where is Osama bin Laden?” A secret CIA document posted on WikiLeaks expels how OBL was found through a Google Search and his location disclosed within 1200 feet by Google Maps. The pests responsible for Osama’s demise and the rapid acceleration and ease of access of information over the past 30 years are Roaches. Your favorite insect (or whatever the fuck it is!) to eradicate. The unwanted amenity to your “inner city” living. The one worry you have when renting an apartment or spending the night over someone’s place. The “I hope they don’t have roaches or I hope I didn’t bring any roaches with me” thought.

In a poorly maintained, shanty Palo Alto apartment Larry Page, along with his roommate Sergey Brin, devised an information revolution. A search engine that made Yahoo! look like it was created by a bunch of cow tipping, hay shoveling, tornado dodging, farming…..yahoos. Larry found himself under an unrelenting swarm of the only enemy indomitable to planet Earth’s wrath. Mr. Page soon realized that if Mother Earth couldn’t destroy the infinite epidemic then he was fighting a battle that he was sure to lose. Not even Raid Max could aid his effort. Being the inquisitive and entrepreneurial fellow he was he thought; ”How can I gather the most information encompassing EVERY aspect of the human experience in the most efficient, far reaching, and intruding manner possible? While making use of these little irritating fuckers who keep getting into my cereal.” Thought continued, “Without being detected and do it better than those shitty losers at Yahoo!”

Larry’s good friend and roommate was Sergey Brin. He along with Larry, was a student at Stanford University. Sergey (or Dr. Brin) is a computer scientist. His Ph.D thesis was a 2,000 page essay on the use and benefits of Nano Technology. Dr. Brin created a microchip small enough to be placed on the wings of the most immature and minuscule roach. But Sergey didn’t intend for this chip to be placed on the wings of roaches. He was originally commissioned by the NSA (National Security Agency) to develop a digital storage space small enough to fit in a camera the size of a hamster’s balls and have a capacity large enough to hold hours upon gigabytes of information. This is what Sergey did. Sergey refined an information retrieving system so advanced that the future couldn’t even happen without his technology.

One microchip that only a very powerful microscope could register can be placed on the wing of a roach and also hold a half Terabyte of video information. If you’re dealing with a cockroach that’s about one - two inches in length then you can fit about 30 microchip video camera information processors per wing; initially. Sergey’s microchips got smaller and more efficient. Each chip still maintained 500 gigabytes of space but instead of 30 video processors per wing it ballooned to an almost incalculable amount. This is how the name Google was derived. LP and Dr. Brin discovered that a “google” amount of micro processors were able to be placed on the wings of a cockroach. A “google” is the number one followed by 100 zeros (neither were English Majors and they misspelled googol). There was no limit to the amount of information one cucaracha could gather. Billions and Trillions of roaches equipped with this technology could document everything that has ever came into existence and make attainable through a search, the future. A cockroach in the sewer feasting on feces can determine the eating habits of a certain area while also processing the ingredients that it took to create the meal that created the excrement (the explanation for every recipe known to humanity being available through a Google Search). A cockroach is also responsible for most of the filming for Bum FightsGhetto FightsGirls Gone Wild,  Bang Bus and every other voyeur phenomenon.

The reason why humanity is aware of Chris Brown’s birthday is because a roach was watching that nigga cut his cake and counted the amount of candles he blew out. Society is aware of Cher’s continued existence because she is Queen of all the roaches and can never die. A roach reminds elementary students everywhere that there is a North and South Dakota. Roaches are even responsible for every single album leak in the digital age. You got the latest Kanye album three weeks in advance of release because a roach sat in on that nigga’s studio sessions. Your favorite fight inside of a McDonald’s was captured by a runty camera on the wings of a roach eying your Big Mac.

Everything from the fabric content of your favorite sweater to the release of a cell phone three years from now; a roach is on top of it. Larry and Sergey placed the information that they gathered from the backs of those devilish bastards and placed it into a huge server database accessible by anyone who has the internet. Google (googol) was born off the back of the most vile, despicable, and pestilent creature created. Before you destroy the next roach that crosses your path’s; gross, disgusting, odious and nuisance of an existence remember that it may carry the information that you need to impress at your next dinner party. Send your thank you cards to Larry Page and Sergey Brin for their continued existence. They were endangered until 1996 the year of the inception of the Google empire.